A poem about the fab-ness of life (particularly when you have Rosie around)
We went to London
Because China was picking on Tibet (again)
But
Before we got to Whitehall
We put on big sunnies
So we looked like
Hung-over celeb-blogger starlets
But we looked like twats instead,
Especially when it started snowing.
Xx
Duncan Bannatyne – Best Game Ever!
Today was a dull day. Mr D. has no more amusing signs/mugs, and we have moved off the topic of “Growing Up” in science (very, very amusing) in favour of “Global Warming”. So naturally, we had to find a way of passing the idle hours. And instead of making a pencil city (which can get rather old after a while) we have invented two new games. They are:
- London – each person says an area, famous landmark, tube line or station, or street in London. First to hesitate, repeat one or say “Primrose Hill” is out. North London is another variety – anything south of the Thames is banned. BLONDI KEEPS WINNING! I was shocked. Until she revealed that she actually used to live in London – I forget where – and so has an unfair advantage. So I now have a London friend. I am practically Lily Allen.
- Duncan Bannatyne – Person A has to come up with a Dragon’s Den-style product and person b has to come up with a reason for not investing AND a witty and amusing pun. E.g:
Person A: Swedish meatball company.
Person B: Your idea is a load of BALLS. I’m out.
And so it continues. Had a few funny looks from various miscreants, who do not understand the finer points of puns. Or appreciate that Tooting is a place (well, even I struggled with that one).
I may block all comments on that HSM post. Have had boundless trouble with angsty ten year olds who feel that the only way to vent their repressed pre-teen hormonal surges is to write “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite” waaay too many times.
Oh yeah, and I watched Amazon with Bruce Parry, who is apparently my mum’s new boyfriend (that’s what she told me anyway). V. amusing programme, with a timeless format: Short man goes to South America and tries various hallucinogenic drugs.
XX
There’s Duncan…
And Bruce, who is apparently my new step-father.
Pencilville Destroyed!
In a shocking turn of events, Pencilville, the newly built city located on Alex’s Desk, was destroyed when an enormous chemistry exercise book flew from the sky, and crushed all of the buildings! Alex built the city at the start of the lesson, and it had been rapidly expanding until, in a gesture as thoughtless as it was brutal, I accidentally squashed it with Linear Chemistry One. All 1 billion of Pencilville’s residents were killed, but unfortunately the mayor (Alex) survived the savage attack, and is now sueing me for $1 million. I pointed out that, with today’s exchange rates, it would make more economic sense to do it in pounds, but she seems adamant that Pencilville remains American.
I apologise for my thoughtless gesture. I owe Alex a million dollars.
In other news, I saw a hoodie which simply said “TOAST”. Hilarious.
I think I will leave you withan amusing quote from our English lesson (we’re doing The Crucible – I have been cast as Mercy Lewis, the proverbial fat girl.):
Teacher: (Wearily) No, Peroxide*, witches and Communists are not the same thing.
Very, very amusing.
*Name has been changed -obviously. No one is called Peroxide these days except sell-out pseudo-punks.
xx
Apparently, this is the town hall.
Seemingly, we are all still alive…
… No thanks to the Swiss, that is. This makes all my last minute Armageddon preparations seem a bit embarrassing and OTT. Ah well. At least I’ve got it in reserve for when Bird Flu or some such comes a knockin’. Ahem.
Anyway, there are several things that have happened since I last updated:
- We have passed D of E. By the skin of our teeth, methinks. We got hopelessly lost on the first day, and then my socks got wet and Ed got literally cemented into a bog-type thing and Rachel lost her shoe in some shit, and some girls took up the ONLY toilet on the campsite for about an hour and a half (seriously) while doing there make up. Oh, and we appear to have lost half of a Trangia. Silver Award? You must be kidding.
- The results of the quick vote on which regular section to introduce are in; the winner is stupid things I have seen on hoodies. Other suggestions include “Rosie”. That’s it. Just a post, about Rosie.
- New expression: Don’t get minty with me. Devised on D of E (natch). Means don’t get pissy.
- Rivergirlie has suggested that we start spreading a rumour that David Tennant is bulimic. I would like to make it clear that this is not true – he is about as bulimic as John Prescott (half bulimic – he got the eating bit, but the throwing up after seems to have eluded him). Rivergirlie has her reasons for this rumour, i.e. he is constantly seen eating something or other, but is always enviably skinny (damn you).
- CD trail seems to be over. In the very last box (Blair Witch Project) was the Paramore CD that started it all off. In a way I wish it was still going on – it gave me something other than coursework, homework etc to do.
Not so picturesque when you have to “nip round it” to get to the next checkpoint.
Xox
Armageddon!?
Apparently, some Swiss people are going to collide some things with some other things, which may actually kill us all. Tomorrow. Great. Thanks a lot, Swiss people. This could not come at a worse time for me. There are things going on, big important things. Like, for example, 400 people have found me by looking for Zac Efron. Thank fuck for him, I say. Anyway, I’ve also toyed with the idea of introducing a regular feature. Can’t decide which one though, I may take votes. The nominees are:
- Stupid things I’ve read on people’s hoodies.
- Swearwords I’ve heard celebrities say (only so far you can go with this one)
- People I’ve seen who look like they’ve seen the dead.
- Things David Tennant has been seen eating. (The list is endless)
- Things in textbooks that appear innocent at first glance, but later on seem suggestive.
- Ways in which the embarrassing topic of STDs has been broached in citizenship.
- Terms people have come up with for breasts
VOTE!
Athough if we’re doomed anyway, it seems a bit pointless.
Ah well.
In other news, the CD trail has led me back to the fateful Paramore box from which all this misery sprungeth hence. Inside the fateful Paramore box from which all this misery sprungeth hence was… A DVD! Now I’ll have to go through all of those too!
xox
P.S. If we all die tomorrow, I’m sorry if I’ve ever been horrid to you.
>:(
CD trail just led me to Siouxsie & The Banshees box (Mum’s) and inside there is NO CD!
Where to next? I feel as if my whole life has just lost it’s meaning.
On the other hand, school was actually bearble today. Now I’ve dropped all the subjects I hated (art, history, DT) so I can focus on the ones I actually like instead. So my days are filled with Geography, Music, ICT and Chemistry, Physics & Biology.
xox
Cheese Sandwich & Diet Coke
OK, here’s the rub; Chris Ball (another fab name) has a sister. Sister Ball (though she is not a nun) works in Sainsbury’s (or Somerfield’s. Always get those two mixed up). And today, Chris approached me with his little face lit up with excitement, his eyes shining, positively radiant. The cause of his unbounded joy? This:
“My sister was at work on Friday and David Tennant came in, and he had a cheese sandwich. And a diet Coke.”
Then he scuttled off. Amazing. Incredible. It brought him such joy to impart such humble news. Anyway. Pics;
Cor.
Mmm.
Err… Sugar free?
On a lighter note…
I swear my brother is mixing up the CDs just to annoy me. All I wanted to do was listen to some Robots (actually lent album to Rosie 3 weeks ago and my search led me to the Sex Pistols box (Paramore CD) to the Paramore box (Buzzcocks CD) to the Buzzcocks box (My Chem compilation album) and off I went, following the magical CD trail all round the house. Grr. Think I’ve sorted them all out now, but only time will tell…
xox
Bangin’ Mate (?)
The other night I had a really weird dream, in which David Tennant was a chav. He kept saying things like “Well bangin’ mate” and “Get your tracksuit top love, you’ve pulled”. And all in a curious Northern accent.
What does it all mean?
This was the closest to a chav picture I could find. It has it all; Puffa jacket, slightly gormless expression, chav crew (John Barrowman at least) in the background… All that’s missing is the ASBO and cider, and he’s ready to roll.
Things I have experienced/learned in the summer hols.
Back to school on Tuesday. Back to corridors that smell slightly of Clearasil (why?), Peroxide and the Chav Brigade, and Chompy the authentic French teacher from Essex Brittany. But i seems wrong to go back without a full review of the many wondrous things that I have done. Prepare to be bored to tears. Here goes:
- I have been to see Hamlet, and as a result of this, I have heard David Tennant say the word “c*nt”.
- I have been on a successful stalking mission with Ro & Aimee, which has resulted in people from the Dr Who Forum visiting my blog. Hurrah.
- I talked to Croppley for about 3 and a half hours in our cottage in Cornwall (I was in the cottage, she was in her house, which I understand used to be a police station in times of olde).
- I have become (fake) Dee Plume’s friend on Bebo.
- I have read Lord Of The Flies (you would too if you were in a damp cottage in the Arse End of Nowhere with rain pouring down your neck) and now consider myself a bit of a clever type. Next on the list is To Kill a Mockingbird which I understand is also on the English GCSE syllabus. Hopefully, everyone will think I am naturally gifted and brilliant, instead of an appalling swot (closer to the truth).
- I have endured Mamma Mia, without killing myself or turning gay, which in my opinion is an incredible feat of brilliance.
- Blondi and I were accosted by a lovely-smelling but clearly queer bloke in Birmingham, who asked us if we were 18, and if we had ever modelled. If only we were a few years older, we would have been able to say yes (to the age question, not the modelling one. Unfortunately, I resemble a ripe nectarine figure-wise at the best of times) and we could be on Richard and Judy. Not literally. That would be weird.
- I have discovered that someone found this blog by searching “Dee Plume is a bitch”. Hmm. Maybe it was Dee herself, trying to find out if anyone’s been slagging her off.
- I’ve learned that people who make groups on Facebook called “xx…..!&*Chavs of Plymouth AAii enit xxp…!!” probably do not want to hear what I think bout Dizzee Rascal, and how his spelling mistakes are influencing a generation.
- Likewise, people who have made a band called “letz shank all dem emo punk nd grebo skum aii” do not want to hear why I like the Sex Pistols.
What is a Grebo? What can it mean??
Anyway, that’s the lot. Feel free to abuse; I’ve only recently discovered that you can change comments, and have had lovely, ego-boosting fun changing comments like “Dis is sh*t and who ever rote it iz to. Zac Effron isnot ugly he is my husband to be” to things like “This is the most enlightening piece of literature I have ever read, you are clearly a genius. And your views on that Zac Efron fellow are entirely justified, his eyes are, in fact, too close together for comfort.”
Bye. xox
It’s unnerving really…
?
Are people coming here from the Doctor Who forum? Oh God, I actually think they are, I’ve had 102 extra page views from that site.
Cool. Hi people from Doctor Who forum!
